my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
