so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
