Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
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