I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
