Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
