Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
