Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
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