I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
