New low: just hacked my moms facebook
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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