Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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