Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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