The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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