Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize