allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
