Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
