My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
