Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
