Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
