hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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