As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize