life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Boobs speak an international language.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
