ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Randomize
