It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize
