Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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