My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize
