I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
