we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
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