fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
