apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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