Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
