I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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