I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
