if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
