They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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