drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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