it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
