Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
The feeling are messing with the penis
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
