i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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