Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I'm experimenting with sincerity
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Randomize
