"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
