Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Randomize
