LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
