I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
