I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
