all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
