The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
