it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Randomize
