Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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