He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
