so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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