On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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