He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
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