So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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