I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
