I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
