I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
