FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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