Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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