My room smells like vodka and shame
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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