Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
